“Dr. Jonz, at your cervix.”

It was Christmas day. A lonelier than normal Christmas day, I should say. The sky was cloudy which trapped in all the heat, continuing the 30 days straight of highs in the 80’s. This was indeed, a Texas Christmas. The only thing non-Christmassy and Non-Texas about this day was the fact that… I am Jewish.

Now, I’m not from Texas, originally, and for the sake of this story, let’s just say I’m from… Jerusalem. I had come to Austin, the capital, to visit with my family, as they so bravely decided to come endure, not only the weather, but the hippies.

As I walked around on Congress Ave., I learned something about this city, the thing that everyone else in the state proclaims either positively or negatively. This city is goddamned insane.

I walked past a medical plaza. I peered in hoping for a peep at some of the equipment, making sure my family wasn’t being forced to use rusted old western equipment, or sanitization by means of whiskey and campfire cauterization. It seemed like a normal place until I started reading the names of the doctors and the practices. I inspected the doors, one by one, all normalish names, until I came across the one that stood out to me.

“Dr. Jonz, at your cervix.”

I knew I was in Austin.

I never desired to live in this city, especially not this state. I’ve never desired to live anywhere outside of Mi…… Jerusalem. For the record, I’m not from the homeland. I’ve never even been, but I don’t like to compare homes. My home is quiet, and this place is full or bicyclists and half-naked men and women. I don’t mind so much the men, but the women, put on some clothes. I heard there was a man here in the past that walked around naked and almost became the mayor? Is that true?

I’m noticing the spunkiness of the town that everyone raves of. The businesses seem to have less rules and boundaries for professional presentation. A septic truck drove by me, and in big bold font read, “We’re #1 in the #2 business.” I shuttered. I knew I needed to leave, as soon as humanly possible. After all, Jerusalem was waiting.